This week’s writer’s workshop was about a Facebook message.
What this message makes me think about is my idiot cousin. It is a sad long story (as most of my posts are long… sorry) but I do think about it often.
Growing up I had a cousin who was exactly 51 weeks older than I am. We grew up together although we lived in different states. He lived in New Jersey and I lived on Long Island, New York.
We had our normal disagreements as family members do growing up, but never anything crazy.
When he was 11 and I was 10, his world was turned upside down. Mine was changed as well. His mother died from a brain aneurysm while at a family function. What happened is she collapsed and was in the hospital for a little over a week and then she passed.
I was there the whole time.
I wasn’t allowed to the wake the first 2 nights because my mother felt I was too young, but the last night of the wake I told her I could… and I wanted to be there for my cousin.
Now he lived at home with his brother, who was a stuck up, self-center idiot bully, and his sister, who could sometimes be difficult but always did have everyone’s best interests at heart. His father was a good man but took it very hard and immersed himself in work. The first Christmas after my Aunt passed my cousin, only 12 at that time, only received socks and underwear as Christmas presents. I can only imagine the disappointment for a child who was used to receiving just about anything, within reason, as a present and after losing his mother, he felt like he was also losing his Christmas.
His sister was only 16 and his brother was 19 or 20 when this all happened and everyone deals with difficulty and pain in different ways. His sister worked ALL the time. Whenever we would visit, which was every other weekend; she would be working the whole time.
We started staying with each other every summer. I would spend 2-3 weeks over his house in New Jersey and he would spend 2-3 weeks at my house in New York.
We stayed in contact our whole lives and we talked about everything. So you could imagine my surprise and disappointment when he eloped at 24 with a woman from Maine and he never told me about it. I was upset at first but within minutes I was over it because I felt there was a reason for it and if he wanted me to know he would tell me.
As soon as I bought a truck that I felt could make the trip to Maine I went up to visit. I would go up there to visit every few months when I needed to get away or wanted a road trip. His family went up to Maine once to help him move and never visited him there again. He lived in Maine for over 4 years.
After being married for 3 years they were getting divorced and he was going through a very difficult time. I drove from Long Island to Maine every other weekend to help him through the time and talk to him about anything if he needed. Sometimes it was frustrating because he would ask for advice… then do the exact opposite. So I did the only thing I could think of to help him through the difficult time… I introduced him to hiking and backpacking!
We would spend every day hiking all different areas of Maine and at night we would check out restaurants and bars. I knew he needed a distraction from everything which was going on and it worked. He worked his way past it all.
It was during one of these hiking trips we decided to hike a mountain 1000 feet taller every year! That’s why we hiked Mt. Madison, then Mt. Katahdin the following year and then Mt. Mitchell the year after that.
When he moved from Maine to Pennsylvania a year or so later, I drove up to Maine and helped him move his life.
I visited him in Maine and then again in Pennsylvania every couple of months and when I moved to downstate New York, he would come and visit me.
One day my mother called me at work and told me my cousin had died. He was an older cousin whom I had not seen in many years but I told her I would go to the funeral. A few minutes later my cell phone rang but I had left it at home so I didn’t receive the call. So them my office phone rang and it was my cousin Tom. He said his father had a massive heart attack while driving and died. I told him no, it was our cousin and he said no it was his father and he was heading to New Jersey immediately.
I arrived in New Jersey less than an hour after he did.
This time I stayed the entire time he was there. I went to the wake every night and the funeral and left the same time he left.
The next year we hiked Mt. Mitchell in NC. We just jumped in the car and drove down to NC at our own pace. We did a bunch of hiking and found hotels to stay at along the way.
We stayed in close contact talking on the phone at least once a week, but usually more than that.
Then, in 2004 my life was turned upside down. My mother passed away from cancer after only being diagnosed 4 months earlier.
The first person I called was my cousin Tom and he asked me if I wanted him to come down to Long Island. I said yes and he said he would see me tomorrow.
I felt very sad. I felt the only person who may understand what I would be going through was my cousin Tom as he lost both parents.
I waited and waited the next day for him to come. He never showed. I texted him thinking he was lost and he texted back saying he was going to come with his sister on Wednesday, even though on Sunday night he asked me if I wanted him to come down and I said I did.
He did show up Wednesday and he left Thursday.
He came back for the funeral.
That was the last time I heard from him, except from Facebook entries.
I have a wife and daughter, whom he never met.
On one of our hiking trips we said we wanted to be each other’s Best man at our weddings. He didn’t even have the decency to RSVP to the wedding invite.
We never had a fight or disagreement which may have caused him to not speak to me anymore which is what makes it so much worse.
I do miss the cousin I was closer with than my own brother.
I do miss the hikes with him and talks about everything.
I miss going to PA to visit every couple of months.
However, this statement says it all. If he wanted to be part of my life and meet my new family, all he has to do is pick up the phone and apologize and make some effort. But I know that will never happen.
His sister and my family are very close. She is going to be my daughter’s god-mother and she apologizes about him every time we talk about it.
It really doesn’t take much effort to be in someone’s life and when someone is important, even when they screw up it doesn’t take much to fix it. But it can only be fixed if there is a desire from both sides to fix things.
I still hope one day my phone will ring and it will be Tom saying he is sorry and explaining at least a little why we were close for 35 years and then, after we buried my mother, he just stopped talking to me. But I know that will not happen… but here’s to hoping!
I am sorry you had a relationship fall apart like that after you two were so close. I empathize so much because I’m in a similar situation with my sister, and it sucks (seriously, all she needs to do is apologize for punching me in the face and subsequently ruining my grandma’s funeral). Thanks for sharing your story and I hope one day your cousin comes to his senses and reaches out to you.
I’m stopping by from Mama Kat’s.
Thank you for commenting. I, also, am sorry for your problems with your sister. I know its difficult when all you want is a simple “I’m Sorry” and to get things back on track. Sometimes it takes a long time… and sometimes it never happens. Its been 7 years since we’ve talked (unless you count comments left on myspace or facebook then he has talked to me twice). I do hope your sister thinks about things and gives you a call.
Thank you for stopping by.
Oh, I d hope you reconnect with Tom. Lives these days, they are too fast. It is good to drop everything and go for a hike.
Thank you for stopping by.
I hope one day we do as well, but after 7 years I have given up on that. But I still hike and it is always a good thing. Nowadays, I hike with my wife and my daughter. Although, my daughter is so young she has no choice but to sit in the bjorn and come with us… but you can tell she loves it!
I am so sorry to hear about this….I can’t imagine what you must have gone through to be so close for so long, and then nothing. I know the saying is a true one, but I still hope Tom comes around soon.
Here via Mama Kat’s.
Thank you for your comment. It does stink, especially since we didn’t have an argument or disagreement or anything, he just decided to stop talking to me. It is what it is and maybe one day he will both apologize as well as explain his reasons, maybe the friendship/cousin-ship can be rectified, but right now I do not feel it is worth effort to be upset about. It is just the first thing that popped into my head from the prompts.
thank you for telling us your story, and for pouring your heart out. I hate when I read things like this, where the rift is unprecipitated by any event and is a shock to the system. I know a part of you longs for that closeness, and I hope he reconnects with you too.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I try to let myself go when writing a post. I dislike hearing about things like this with people as well, but unfortunately it sometimes happens. i do long for the closeness I had with my cousin for over 30 years, but like the plaque says, people will make an effort if they want to be part of someones life. I wont technically reserve a space but I will keep a candle burning, just in case!