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Archive for November, 2011

If you have been reading my posts, you know about my problems with the college I was attending. After everything, I wanted to jump right on board and get back into school and classes so I can finish as quickly as possible. The reason I didn’t was because of my wife. Not in a negative way mind you, in a positive way.

When you are single, you do what you want, when you want, how you want. You don’t think about anyone else. But when you are in a serious relationship, such as a marriage, you need to talk things over with anyone which your decision may affect. It would affect my wife, mostly financially, so I had to talk to her about everything and come to a mutual decision about our next move.

We were on the same page for about 95% of everything. Neither of us want me to attend my old school. It stressed me out, was completely unfair, and didn’t do what we were paying them to do… teach. Their answer for everything was “look in the book”. Well, gee thanks. I never thought of looking there! That is why I was paying around 2 grand a semester, part-time, for you to tell me to look in a book.

Anyway, my wife found a school where I can finish everything online, as long as I had completed 50% or more of my clinical studies. The only issue we both had about this school was that it was on the expensive side. Now I paid directly for all my schooling and didn’t have a student loan until my final year where I took out a very small loan to finish school and not worry about the finances.

I looked into every avenue. In NY, you were allow to could sit in on the LPN test if you have completed 3 semesters of Nursing school, except 3 years ago they did away with that and you need to take an LPN course… which is over $12,000 over a year! So that left that out.

The reason we didn’t apply to the new school immediately was because of the expense. It was a bit pricey so we had to think that all through. Also, my wife has issues because when I am in school, I am stressed out. I never feel like I am learning as much as I need to especially for the tests. But after some more talking about it and some input from both her parents and my sister, we decided that I should go for it. Lucky I did apply when I did because as of 10-31-11, if you haven’t applied for the program you need to be an LPN or paramedic to apply now. No more students with 50% or more of clinical completed! I applied on September 3rd and was accepted before the deadline.

So now that I am in a new school, I am feeling a bit nervous. What if I don’t make it – again! I know this is what I want to do and I plan on continuing on once I get there, but what if I am just not smart or accomplished enough to pass this? What do I do next? I know I will not know until I try, but it still a little nerve wracking. To be so close, yet so far… now I know what it means by that song!

All I can think is how much I would disappoint my wife and mayself but not being able to pass a simple class and become the person I want to be. To not be able to provide the life for my family as I feel I should is a bit humiliating. But all I can do now is give it my best shot, work hard and in theory all will be ok.

Wish me luck!

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Dear Mom,

It’s been 7 years now. So much has changed in those 7 years… and I REALLY wish you were here to talk to and share everything.

Both myself and Erica wish you were here to talk to. There have been times she has told me she wished she could have met you and talked to you especially at times before our wedding and, with her parents being so far away in Maine, to help with the wedding plans. But that was over 2 years ago.

You now have another grandchild. We had our first baby, a girl, on June 22nd. Believe it or not, Erica came up with the perfect name for her. Probably because when we were thinking of names for her all I could think of is that I wished I could have talked to you and received your input. But Erica came through, as always, and we named her Megan. Remember you wanted to make Kelly’s name Megan but dad and Aunt Joanie convinced you otherwise. Well, this was our tribute to you. We also named her after Aunt Joanie and I think you would really happy since you and Aunt Joanie were so close.

I never told you this when you were alive but I thank you for being the mother you were to me when you were alive. I know I made things difficult at times, but that’s what middle children do J! I know we had many differences and issues along the way, but I am glad things came together when they did and that we did become close many years before the end.

I am REALLY sorry Mom. I almost forgot today was the 7th year of you being gone. Erica reminded me and I am VERY glad she did. I don’t ever want to forget you, but I am starting to and it makes me a little upset. It’s difficult and I really wish you were here to show Megan what it’s like to have a Grandmother like you were to Katie and Kenneth. I know Erica and I are doing things right because she is a snugger and is ALWAYS smiling… except when she is in the sleepy zone and then she just sort of stares at you, and then a few seconds later she is asleep.

Kelly also had another boy who is 2 months older than Megan. He is such a cutie and her and Rob are doing well. They are happy and I talk to her weekly, sometimes daily. I am sure she is getting sick of hearing from me, but she is the closest thing we have to you and some things she says when I need advice – I have to stop for a second to realize I am not talking to you because her advice sounds a lot like something you would say at times.

Kenny is still an idiot. Ha ha. I am not going to get into everything that has happened to him this year, but now he is doing better. He always seems to land on his feet, and this was no exception.

I am getting worried about Dad. He is starting to sound more and more distant and, well, sad. He was doing very well for a long time and lately it’s changed. Kelly and I noticed it as did Erica, but when I talked to him he said all was ok. He misses you, but you know that as he stops up at your grave every day. Except when the weather is too bad, but otherwise he is there every day.

School did not work out as I planned, but I am not giving up. I hope I am doing the right thing that would make you happy, but right now I REALLY wish I could hear your voice and receive your input because I really need it. I am making this last effort and if this doesn’t work out, well, then we will have to rethink what I want to do… but I know I want to be in this field. I know I want to be a Nurse VERY much. I want to help people and fell like I actually make a difference.

I am sorry that I forget sometimes what your voice sounds like and what you look like, except when I look at the few pictures we have of you. I wish you didn’t hide yourself whenever we took pictures when you were here. But the few I have I am glad we have. I have these to show our daughter when she is old enough and tell her about her grandmother. I hope its ok, but I won’t draw you as a Saint to you like some people do with people who have passed. I will honest about everything, but teach her how great a mother you were and that you were an even better grandmother. She will know you did the best you could and were a great mother/wife/grandmother/friend and everything else.

I miss you, Mom. And, although there are now some days I don’t think of you, I do miss you a LOT and try to make sure to not do anything that will make you proud of me.

Now if only Kenny would feel the same maybe he wouldn’t be such a moron! LOL.

Rest in Peace mom. We love you!

Your Baby Boy,

Jimmy


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