Archive for the ‘Parents’ Category

I posted on a MamaKats Writer’s Workshop about my best friend and about how his mother, in a way, saved my life. The way I meant it was that my life could have gone in a very different direction than it did and I could have been one of those kids who hung out at the handball courts after, and even during, school with crazy long hair and smoking medicinal cigarettes <wink>. Nowadays, it may not mean the same thing but back in my day, the kids on the handball courts were the burnouts and smoked both legal (age restrictions to purchase cigarettes did not exist when I was in High School) and illegal substances.

Mom Miller kept me in line from that. I honestly do not think that was her plan, but it worked anyway. I think her plan was that I was her son’s best friend and the only one of his friends she liked and never banned from going over there… ever.

Anyway, she treated me loosely like one of her own. If you have been reading my posts, you know that my mother passed away almost 8 years ago from cancer. It took me a while to deal with everything and blogging helped a lot with that. No one read those posts, except for my one close friend from downstate. My thought was that if I am going through something like this, someone else is probably going through the same and if I help even one person then I would be glad I helped.

Well, about a week and a half ago Mom Miller passed away from Cancer. Oh Cancer, how I hate thee! I received the text from Mark at 6:32am. I had no idea he was even going down to Florida to see her. If I had I think I would have done what I could to get down there. Not only to say goodbye, but to also be there for the best friend any guy could ever hope for.

I think I feel a little worse than normal because she was up in mid-May. I had pneumonia, but Mark put together a little BBQ for mother’s day, even though it wasn’t mothers day. When he told me I told Erica that I wanted us to go. We went but she was not feeling well enough to go. I wanted to go see her, but they said she was leaving on Thursday but she actually left on Wednesday morning… the day I was going to see her. So I didn’t see her.

Now she is gone. She was tough. She was VERY tough on Mark but I think it was because her and he was very similar and neither wanted to admit it. They had a funeral service in Florida but it sounds like they are having a service and burial service here in New York. She lived here in NY for most of her life. Her two sons and daughter-in-laws are here. Mark’s older brother is in FL, but her sisters and mainly the entire family is here on Long Island.

I feel bad I didn’t go more out of my way to see her when she was here over a month ago. I will definitely be there for the funeral showings and be there for Mark in any way I can. I called him but he didn’t know what was going on at the time and said he would call me later. That was a few days ago. It’s going to be a difficult for Mark and his family, but this process is difficult for anyone.

What did you do to help with loss of a close loved one?


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It’s been a while since I posted anything. I always WANT to post, but life seems to get in the way, or the baby decides I need less computer time and more baby time and then it’s time to head to work. So this week I decided I am ABSOLUTELY posting, and here it is.

For this week’s writer’s workshop I chose You know you’re a mother when except since I am not a mother I am inserting father and going with it!

For me, it’s the little things which make me know I am a father.

… I want to rush home and check on my daughter after a long, stressful day at work and just seeing her sleeping soundly and safe makes the whole day better.

… waking up and looking forward to morning baby smiles. Ok it may take a little coaxing on my part for her to smile but most days she sees me walk in when my wife is about to run out to work and she looks up at me and just smiles!

… being nervous when she is sick. Even though I work in an ER and know babies catch colds and it passes, just hearing that congestion in her nose and there is nothing I can do to really help it go away makes me know what it is like to be a dad.

… I find it hilarious that she is covered in oatmeal because she is learning how to eat solid foods.

… I can’t wait for the day she can hold the darn bottle for herself so I can give it to her and go about my own things to do!

… Not looking forward to the day she can actually crawl because that means I will have to REALLY baby-proof the house.

There are so many things that happen which makes me know I am a dad. It’s scary but it’s also awesome and gratifying at the same time.

What is the top thing that makes you know you’re the Dad… or Mom!

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Dear Mom,

It’s been 7 years now. So much has changed in those 7 years… and I REALLY wish you were here to talk to and share everything.

Both myself and Erica wish you were here to talk to. There have been times she has told me she wished she could have met you and talked to you especially at times before our wedding and, with her parents being so far away in Maine, to help with the wedding plans. But that was over 2 years ago.

You now have another grandchild. We had our first baby, a girl, on June 22nd. Believe it or not, Erica came up with the perfect name for her. Probably because when we were thinking of names for her all I could think of is that I wished I could have talked to you and received your input. But Erica came through, as always, and we named her Megan. Remember you wanted to make Kelly’s name Megan but dad and Aunt Joanie convinced you otherwise. Well, this was our tribute to you. We also named her after Aunt Joanie and I think you would really happy since you and Aunt Joanie were so close.

I never told you this when you were alive but I thank you for being the mother you were to me when you were alive. I know I made things difficult at times, but that’s what middle children do J! I know we had many differences and issues along the way, but I am glad things came together when they did and that we did become close many years before the end.

I am REALLY sorry Mom. I almost forgot today was the 7th year of you being gone. Erica reminded me and I am VERY glad she did. I don’t ever want to forget you, but I am starting to and it makes me a little upset. It’s difficult and I really wish you were here to show Megan what it’s like to have a Grandmother like you were to Katie and Kenneth. I know Erica and I are doing things right because she is a snugger and is ALWAYS smiling… except when she is in the sleepy zone and then she just sort of stares at you, and then a few seconds later she is asleep.

Kelly also had another boy who is 2 months older than Megan. He is such a cutie and her and Rob are doing well. They are happy and I talk to her weekly, sometimes daily. I am sure she is getting sick of hearing from me, but she is the closest thing we have to you and some things she says when I need advice – I have to stop for a second to realize I am not talking to you because her advice sounds a lot like something you would say at times.

Kenny is still an idiot. Ha ha. I am not going to get into everything that has happened to him this year, but now he is doing better. He always seems to land on his feet, and this was no exception.

I am getting worried about Dad. He is starting to sound more and more distant and, well, sad. He was doing very well for a long time and lately it’s changed. Kelly and I noticed it as did Erica, but when I talked to him he said all was ok. He misses you, but you know that as he stops up at your grave every day. Except when the weather is too bad, but otherwise he is there every day.

School did not work out as I planned, but I am not giving up. I hope I am doing the right thing that would make you happy, but right now I REALLY wish I could hear your voice and receive your input because I really need it. I am making this last effort and if this doesn’t work out, well, then we will have to rethink what I want to do… but I know I want to be in this field. I know I want to be a Nurse VERY much. I want to help people and fell like I actually make a difference.

I am sorry that I forget sometimes what your voice sounds like and what you look like, except when I look at the few pictures we have of you. I wish you didn’t hide yourself whenever we took pictures when you were here. But the few I have I am glad we have. I have these to show our daughter when she is old enough and tell her about her grandmother. I hope its ok, but I won’t draw you as a Saint to you like some people do with people who have passed. I will honest about everything, but teach her how great a mother you were and that you were an even better grandmother. She will know you did the best you could and were a great mother/wife/grandmother/friend and everything else.

I miss you, Mom. And, although there are now some days I don’t think of you, I do miss you a LOT and try to make sure to not do anything that will make you proud of me.

Now if only Kenny would feel the same maybe he wouldn’t be such a moron! LOL.

Rest in Peace mom. We love you!

Your Baby Boy,


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So this week in the writer’s workshop, my choice was to talk about something that scared me as a child.

There was only 1 thing I can remember which scared me and that was a movie. I remember it vividly.

I was about 7 or 8 years old and we were in New Jersey visiting my Uncle Chuck and Aunt Joanie. My uncle and my father both enjoyed horror movies, but at home my mother would not let us watch them.

She was quite a bit overprotective.

The problem with watching TV at home was actually my dad. He is the WORST person to allow having control of the remote control. He watches things and just as you start getting into it… BAM! He changes the channel. When a normal person finds a show that catches their attention, the commercials are when they get up and go to the bathroom, get a drink or a snack, etc. My Dad, that was when he would change the channel and somehow he always found good shows or movies on, but now you miss the first one you were watching!

Anyway, I was in New Jersey and my uncle and my dad were watching the original Night of the Living Dead and my cousin and I decided we wanted to watch it.

What was cool was that my Dad and Uncle had no issue with it. It was my mother who flipped when she found out we were watching it and my uncle and Dad told her to chill out and let us watch it.

I was glued to the TV, mainly because I was scared.

I remember lying on the floor in my stomach, holding a pillow. We were watching it on their Console TV, which was a HUGE TV at 19″ and set inside this HUGE cabinet that closed up and looked more like a hope chest than a TV.

All the lights were off except for the glow of the TV and I remember jumping a few times. Each time I did my Dad and uncle would crack up at the reaction of my cousin and me.

Right at the end of the movie, the dead people all get into boats and you see what looks like New York City in the background.

I was too young to understand what it meant, so I asked my dad and he told me that it meant the Living dead were migrating to the city by boat. That bothered me more because we live IN NEW YORK! Grated it was Long Island but to an 8 year old, New York is New York.

I had nightmares about it for years, but never told my mom about them because I wanted to watch more horror movies. So I guess I can say that my Dad and uncle fueled my liking for the occasional horror movie.

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Our baby will be 1 month old on Wednesday. Now this is our first baby and we know that we have NO IDEA what we are doing!

We read books, looked online, subscribed to magazines, I even have some of my Nursing friends on speed dial… just in case. We know we are good parents… but we are far from perfect parents. I do not think the perfect parent exists, but we do our best. If one thing doesn’t work to make our little girl happy, we talk about it and try something else. Eventually we arrive at a good conclusion but sometimes it takes a little while.

There is one thing that never ceases to amaze me and that is overabundance of advice we receive…

Mostly unsolicited!

Now, the people giving us this advice are good parents (for the most part) and their intentions are in the right place (depending on the interpretation), but at the this time we have only asked 2 people for advice, My sister and my Mother-in-law. We have received advice, which sounds more like all these people are going to write their own bringing-up-baby books, from MANY people.

I had a long phone call with a family member mainly about how we NEED to bring up our daughter and what to look for, etc. Unbeknownst to them, my wife and I had already talked about it and are in agreement that we have no desire to try and mold our child similar to their child. I mean there are bits and pieces we have noticed about all these friends and family members children we like and we hope our daughter learns, but for the most part … it’s a crap shoot.

We appreciate all the advice people give us, most times we listen politely and nod our heads and smile.

We have received over 5 different opinions on what bottles and diapers to use.

We have been school in the science of baby formula and breast feeding and which formulas to use and not use because they did/did not work on their baby. (We had an unfortunate issue with breast feeding so we are not doing that and that also posed a big issue with people)

But this is our baby.

We have our own ideas of what we want to do.

What works on one child may not work on another.

We have been scolded about burping techniques and the bottles we use.

All we want is a happy, healthy (and sometimes quiet) baby girl. And that is what we have, although the quiet part is not always happening.

Believe us when we say, when we need advice we will ask for it. We welcome advice, we just prefer it to be more advice and a lot less judgment or negative criticism.

Does this happen with everyone when they have a new baby? Are we to expect this when we decide to have a 2nd child?

If it does, we will accept all advice graciously (as we have been) and with open arms… just please don’t be offended if we discard your way and do it our own way!

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This prompt was not too hard to choose. I mean I could write about any of them, but this one caught my mind the most. My entry my not COMPLETELY be as expected but this is my blog so nanny nanny poo poo!

A time someone was proud of me would have been my mother… the day I decided to go to school to become a nurse. The reason I say “go to school to become a nurse” and not Nursing School is because, well, being a dude the former sounds cooler as outlined in the Bro Code!

I originally started blogging in 2006 on my myspace account. I blogged every day for 6 months and then stopped. It helped me deal with stuff I was going through with my mother passing and “things I had on my mind” which for a guy translates to feelings I hadn’t dealt with yet.

Blogging helped me express things I was feeling and be able to assist my dad.

When my mother passed I took some time and then I signed up for some classes I needed so I could apply for the Nursing curriculum at a local college.

I will graduate in May and I am quite certain my mother is looking down on me smiling. I did fail a class and had to wait a year to repeat it. In that year I did a lot fo thinking realized that, although I was down and felt I had disappointed her, this was another thing of something which needed to happen and there was a silver lining which I was missing.

The year 2011 is going to be a HUGE year for me. In May I will be graduating college and be a Graduate Nurse. In June/July my wife will give birth to our first child (which we have decided to NOT know the sex of because he/she is what they are and we will love them unconditionally). And I know this because I know my mother was not disappointed in my failure, she was proud of me because I brushed myself off, gave myself 50 lashes and then jumped right back on that horse.

I WILL BE an RN sometime around August! I will ALSO be a first time father sometime in July! And I did it to make my wife happy and proud of me. I did it to make my mother proud of me and I know she is somewhere telling her angelic friends about her youngest son… who just graduated school and became a nurse AND has the CUTEST kid EVER!! I mean don’t we ALL have the cutest kid ever!

So my time of when someone was proud of me will be May of 2011 when all my stress ended and I graduated. When I finally received my college diploma. When I became one LARGE step closer to becoming what I realized I wanted to do that day in the hospital room when I told my mother goodbye! When I finally become a father for the first time… at 40!!! (I guess it’s a good thing my wife is only 30!)

The things we do all our life is usually to make our loved ones happy and proud. They are happy and proud because they are there with us in helping with our dreams. They support us when we realize our dreams or make our dreams become a reality. We sometimes don’t even realize it, but we also try to make our missing parts of our family proud of us because somewhere we feel they are watching us and we never want to let them down.

Thank you for listen to my ramble/rant!

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